Excuse Me, God, Is There a Family Discount?

It's not easy to become a saint while raising a family.  Especially for some of us.  Me, for instance.  And I could use a little help.  I heard a priest recommend that we read about and seek the intercession of saints who shared the same vocation as us.  Priests should get to know the lives of holy priests, religious sisters should study saints who were religious sisters and parents should seek the intercession of saints who lived their vocation as parents, etc.

Quick!  Think of saints who were parents!  Now, eliminate those who were martyred with their young children, because that's not the same as becoming a saint while parenting those same children through the years.  You can also eliminate those who were royalty or otherwise had someone on staff helping keep house and raise the children.  There goes St. Margaret of Scotland, patron of mothers.  She was a queen.  Also, there goes St. Gianna Berreta Mola, darn it!  She is a prime example of a modern woman who was very holy and a mother.  But, she's doesn't exactly represent me, because, though she had decided to stop her full-time work after the birth of her fourth child, she died heroically from complications of her fourth pregnancy.  She did not spend all her days at home attempting to educate her kids (though I suspect she would have been great at it if she had!).

Likewise, Zelie Martin, the mother of St. Therese (and four other daughters who became nuns) died young.  I'm not young anymore and I need a patron for this job!  I know all the saints give an example of holiness that can apply to us all.  I am a great appreciator of the saints, many of whom I consider dear friends.

 So, what’s so different about being a mom than other vocations that makes it so hard to grow in holiness?  Well, first of all, you’re never really alone in a quiet, prayerful setting.  Even church isn’t a quiet, prayerful setting when I go with my kids.  Why do you think there’s so much discussion about whether young children should be taken into the church or stuffed into the cry room?  They call it the “cry room” for a reason.  One might argue it could just as well have been called the “whine room.”

If you don’t spend quality time speaking and listening to God, how can you cultivate a relationship with him?  Right?

And, let’s face it, St. Paul was right.

“An unmarried woman . . . is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit.  A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband."        (1 Corinthians 7:34) 

As much as I argued with him that, surely after gaining attending a graduate program in theology from an institution faithful to the Church, surrounded by others who want to be saints, I would be able to balance spiritual life and family life!  Why would I suddenly be more concerned with things of the world just because I got married?  What did he know?

Well, these “things of the world” keep my children fed, which, if I didn’t concern myself with, they would perish.  I guess he knew something after all.

But still, I’m going to argue that while each vocation and individual life is fraught with its own difficulties and distractions, having children living about you daily, per se, makes it a bit harder to practice those virtues you need to become a saint.  Oh, sure, there are many more opportunities to practice these virtues (patience, prudence, fortitude, justice, charity, etc.), for me, this somehow always seems to translate into more occasions when I actually fail at these virtues.

I wonder, then, if God gives parents sort of a family discount for holiness.  Sort of like a golf handicap.

Let’s see, you entered the cloister early and died young?  You need to gain 5000 virtue points to be a saint.  You can earn those by praying for families.  Your family was wealthy, your every need was met and you lived through an era of peace?  That’ll take 7300 points, but you can get a discount for giving away half your fortune without a tax deduction.  You’re a pastor who maintained a prayer life, exemplified virtue, said the Mass reverently, settled quarrels and evangelized your flock?  Congratulations!  Here’s your “Get Out of Purgatory Free” card!  Your people should bring forward your cause for canonization!

You’re a homeschooling mom?  You get a coupon book containing 40,000 coupons redeemable for unfinished Rosaries, weekday Mass you wanted to go to, but someone threw up, taking your kids to the grocery store without using bad language in public and many more!  We don’t expect much from you, under the circumstances.

Getting to heaven is a lot of work!

Now before you get all panicky that I think we need to work our way into heaven, of course I don’t.  It’s enough to “accept Jesus Christ into our heart as our Lord and Savior” to gain eternal life.  (And, if you want to get all technical, be baptized.  Matt 28:19).  But, my love for Him is what He wants and what I want to give Him.  Love is shown by going the extra mile, by putting our words into action.  To just believe and call it “done” seems a little like saying, “That’s enough for Him!  The rest is all for me.”

While it is enough, Our Lord wants for us ever so much more.  He wants to dwell in us, so we may have and become all He gives us.

Think of the rich, young man in Matthew’s Gospel.  He asked Jesus what he ought to do to gain eternal life.  Jesus answered simply “If you wish to enter into life, keep the commandments.”  That was enough.  But the young man pushed his question to another level.  “All of these I have observed.  What do I still lack?”  To which Jesus, seeing he wanted more than to just slip in to the kingdom, gave him the course to the next level of love, “If you wish to be perfect; go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.” (cf Matthew 19:16-21)

A few chapters earlier in Matthew’s Gospel, we hear Jesus sum up his sermon on the mount with the words, “So, be perfect just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” (Matt 5:48).  Jesus invites us to be perfect; He wants us to be perfect.

He wants us to aspire to the higher level, to holiness!  He gives us the grace to do so.  But, He also knows we are weak and we each live in different circumstances and so, there is a level of commitment that is “enough,” but not “perfect.”  He knows the lights we each have been given and the weight of the burdens we carry.  Only He knows these.

And yet, He calls us each to a higher level of love than we can know we are capable of.

It is in this that His “discount” lies.  His Love is our discount.  We must avail ourselves of it, whatever our circumstances, whatever our vocation.  And, those peaceful prayers of those cloistered nuns?  Many of them are for those of us living in the world and in families.  And they carry us along more than we will know in this life.  They help convey His love to the world.

So, I guess that means that I’ve got to step it up not only in my parenting, but in all my relationships, if I want to love God perfectly – to become a saint.  I don’t get to figure in my own handicap.  I’ve got to take up my cross and follow Him each day, not concerning myself with my abilities.  He calls me to do the best I can, not worrying about how poor that is, because He Himself, will apply the discount of His mercy.

A "Strong Catholic" Adrift

One of the things I most enjoy during visits with my family in Southern California, is visiting the little beach town nearby.  Main Street lies between Pacific Coast Highway and the pier and is lined with restaurants, cafes, pubs, boutiques, ice cream parlors and art galleries.  The shops are all individually owned and have a low profile, preserving the small town community feel of the place.

One of our favorite cafes on Main Street

On a recent visit, my little girl and I turned in to a shop that sold art and nick knacks all about angels.  I noticed a good many statues and pictures of St. Francis and the Blessed Mother as well, and wondered if the owner might be Catholic.  I asked the lady behind the counter.  She was the owner and said, "Yes, I'm a strong Catholic!"

"Perfect!” I thought.  I asked if she happened to know if there was a Saturday evening Mass at the church, which is just one street over (we had only been there for Sunday morning Masses in the past).  She said she did not know the schedule, as it was not her parish; she went to the church a few towns down the coast, though her mother is a parishioner at this one.  Well, as I love her church as well, I asked if hers has a Saturday evening Mass.  She did not know.

You see, she only went to Mass on Christmas.  I don't remember exactly how the conversation went from there, but it must have involved my mouth hanging open or something, because she assured me several times that she is "a strong Catholic."  I mean, she must be, right, because she has a shop just for things about angels?

Everyone’s favorite line from the movie, The Princess Bride, passed through my mind: “You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means.”  But I refrained from letting it pass by my lips.

I'm sure I urged her to consider more frequently availing herself of the source and summit of her Faith - because that's the kind of person I am (i.e. one who spurts out things on any occasion).  But, she has to keep her shop running and that takes most of her time.  She must be very busy, because she admitted she doesn't even always have time for yoga!!

We walked out and uttered a prayer that this lady would grow in her faith and feel a longing to return to the Sacraments.

I'm sure we all know or come across people who grew up Catholic and still identify with the Church, but don't seem to know or do a thing about it.  They haven't left the Church, but they're not in it.  It's like they have fallen overboard from a ship and are floating along in a life preserver.  The name of the ship is printed on the life preserver, so they still feel connected.  And they have no idea what they are missing or at what peril they are drifting out to sea.

It was so astonishing to me and I still think about her (and pray for her).  How can someone be so sure and proud of her affiliation with the Catholic Faith, but simply refuse to respond to the invitation Jesus issues to live it?

Somewhere something went wrong with the catechesis people like her received.  Probably, they were never evangelized.  I’m not the first person to consider the cause.  Who knows?  But what can we do for them now?  There may be many answers to this (start discussions about the Faith, give a good example, challenge them) and they differ for each person.  But the one thing we can do for every person we meet in this situation is to pray for them.

And yet, though this is a sad state of things, it is also a sign of great hope.  The angel lady has not left the Church.  She still sees herself as connected in a “strong” way.  She feels she has a relationship with God through His Church.  And she does.  She has surely neglected it and is missing out on the riches He offers.  But hope knows that there is a rope connecting her life preserver to the ship, the bark of Peter.  And she will be drawn in, unless she herself cuts this line.

This is illustrated through Evelyn Waugh’s novel, Brideshead Revisited.  As her father lies on his deathbed, resisting reconciliation with God, Julia explains to Charles how G.K. Chesterton shows this theme in his Father Brown mystery (I know, I’m trying to explain someone in a novel explaining a novel to illustrate my point!):

“Father Brown said something like ‘I caught him’ [the thief] with an unseen hook and an invisible line which is long enough to let him wander to the ends of the world and still bring him back with a twitch upon the thread.”

In Brideshead, her father did, ultimately reconcile (sorry for the spoiler, but it’s still well worth reading).  This is not merely fiction.  It happens in real life again and again.  We can count on it when we pray and trust in God’s mercy.  Our heavenly Father, more than anyone else, desires that these stray sheep return to His fold.  In the context of the Bread of Life discourse in the sixth chapter of the Gospel of John, Our Lord says, “And this is the will of the one who sent me, that I should not lose anything of what he gave me, but that I should raise it [on] the last day.”(Jn. 6;39)

You see, we were made for union with God and are attracted to Him.  Why do you think the angel lady’s shop is devoted to angels and contains statues of the Mother of Our Lord?  Her heart is yearning for God, but she has been distracted by other things at present.  A twitch upon the thread will bring her back.

It is as St. Augustine famously said, “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds rest in Thee.”

The entirety of the quotation from Augustine’s Confessions is too beautiful not to put down here.  And as you read it, I ask that you make it a prayer, a twitch upon the thread, for all those who are drifting about in the lukewarm sea in life preservers with the name of the Church indelibly stamped on them.  That they may not be lost, but shall rise again on the last day.

“Great are you, O Lord, and exceedingly worthy of praise; your power is immense, and your wisdom beyond reckoning. And so we men, who are a due part of your creation, long to praise you – we also carry our mortality about with us, carry the evidence of our sin and with it the proof that you thwart the proud. You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is unquiet until it rests in you.”